So you were out throwing down some slick line dances last night and you scored a barrel racer? Thinking about dating that can chaser now? Be prepared, top 10 things you should know....
1. She’ll never, EVER love you more than Bubbles (the 20-year-old 5D rescue in the back paddock) or Lucky Charm (the 3-year-old Dash, Cash, Flash, Smoked too much hash papered 4D can crasher in the bubble-wrapped first stall.
2. Food.... break out your inner Julia Child cause these girls like to eat. Be prepared to cook for her and her bad bitch crew. Know what sauce she dips those chicken nuggets in and have it stored everywhere (glove boxes, cabinets, night stand EVERYWHERE) Have the taco truck on speed dial and don’t think she’s settling for mild sauce you better bring the fire 🔥 just like she does (or think she does) at every jackpot.
3. Your ride, if you took her home last night in your shit bucket 4 door Vtech and she didn’t see a dually in that driveway consider yourself lucky she stayed (she’s saving that Uber money for Saturday's jackpot) BTW she ain’t coming back..... unless you start posting pics of a 2020 350 dually hauling at least a three-horse
4. Get very good at picking up shit, horse shit to be exact. Cleaning water buckets, breaking ice, throwing hay, filling grain, grabbing Bubbles from the back paddock (watch that entrance the mud swallowed the guy you’re replacing)
5. Do not ever question or interrupt glam time, she’s gotta look Fallon Taylor famous grabbing that $17.00 5D 4th place check.
6. Jewellery, better open a pit mine because only the finest .925 and kingman turquoise is gonna do bub. Prostitution is only allowed if you’re paying for that bling, better start hitting that 50 plus option on tinder and get your Sugar momma game on point.
7. Learn the names of these shirts, Rodeo Karma and Thunderbird she wants that closet in the LQ full by April. Refer to rule #6 for payment options
8. Speaking of LQ’s, that tall guy with the 50ft triple axle 6 horse with a super slide. She calls him Daddy for a reason (no everyone doesn’t call him daddy like she told you) suck it up Jr.
9. You better know how to put on and what bridle, tie-down, noseband, saddle, pad, bit, bailing twine and colour wraps and boots go on Lucky Charm and Bubbles. No, they aren’t called harnesses. You’ll be riding in the back with the horses if you mess this up.
10. Videos, (no not that kind) rest assured if you miss her run or even worse get the run and not the time she’ll be sleeping in Daddy’s trailer tonight. Hold the phone sideways, zoom in on the turns, zoom in on the time. DO NOT, make any comments about the run while videoing. Actually don’t make a single comment other than “nice job baby”
If you think you got what it takes after all that strap in cause it’s gonna be a wild ride.
Written by Kyle Ames.